I don’t let things happen to me
I happen to myself
Surprised
I neither fight nor fly
I turn myself off
I die
And become free
At last
Of every tie
Of countless ties
That bond my life
From atom bonds
On
I eye life
That lives in my eyes
While I live
In others’ eyes
For all comes in two
There is no object unless observed
And no observer without the object
I am a broken glass
And no longer know
Who else keeps the shatters
To gather them back together
I would have to retrace
Every person I’ve ever faced
For in the deep of their scull
They keep an idea of me
I am a shiny spread
Covering a thousand minds
Blinking in the dark
Of their inactive memories
I am a sea of sparks
NEVEREST
If you dare
Free-diving into my stare
Don’t hold your breath
You may be swallowed
By the black hole of your shallowness
And land at some far corner of the universe
Safely recomposed
In no time on your feet again
You will busily start to crawl
In an unspecified direction
Waiting for things to befall
If you are deep
My neurons will butterfly around you
While I am mute with fear
Of tasting happiness
This horrid prospect
Of reaching a peak
From where the only way is down
It may seem tall as an atoll to you
It is Neverest to me
IN LOVE (AGAIN)
Love discretely bent me
Disguised as a friend
It crept up from behind my shadow
To invade my mind
The willful ghetto
My voice chords swollen with the unspoken
My heart crashing its crowded cage
I could but see: love was in me.
Eons later
I woke up in the twilight
Mind un-poisoned from uncertainty
I laid my eyes upon a world
All of a sudden lovable
Loving words flew off my lips
Like mischievous swallows
I kissed the memory of you on the pillow
And knew: love was no longer in me
I was now all in love
FALLING APART
I cannot sail the high seas anymore
My raft is breaking up
I need to get ashore
Or I will give up
And drawn in aloneness
Of alcohol
This is what life distills to
A glass in front of TV
Make it three
And tears turning dreams
More true than truth
Perhaps one must disintegrate
Before becoming whole
But my core lacks gravitation force
To keep my atoms from defining the limits of space
End precedes the start
Yet my falling apart
Has no end
EVERY THING
Everything has been invented
And commented upon
Professed and confessed
Tried and lied about
There is no more new on Earth
At every given now
Someone else is thinking
If not reading
What I am writing
So thank you, You
For the few things
Remaining immeasurable:
Stars, numbers, universes parallel
And imagination
That can count the stars
Calculate the ultimate equation
Define infinity of space
Yet keeps imagining beyond
Imagined
ANCHOR INSIDE
Hopelessly homeless
For years
I’ve been searching
For home
In places and lovers
In cats and belongings
To round me
To fill me
Taking in, leaking
Taking in, leaking
Illusions of freedom
Unsafe
For years
I’ve been walking
Streets winding and windy
Passing by houses
All lights on with candor
Yearning to stand in front of a door
With a key
Fearing that door would close shut
Behind me
And yet
I have had a home
All along
It just took forever to see:
I can come home
To myself
Throw the anchor inside
For good
Turn the lights on
And be
No less safe than free
LOVE IMPOSSIBLE
I love you
Now that speaking out my heart
Has made me skinless
I better leave you
Before you leave me
With no tomorrow
Your slightest imperfection
Stands no correction
For me there is no complex you
For me the only you is now
I can’t get enough of your scent
Until I’m breathless
I have to pull away then
To claim my body back
The only shack my soul can rent
At the end
You’ll hold my mended heart
In your hand
So cold
Throw it far
Across the water
If you need
Don’t squeeze it first
You’ll bleed
For it’s made of brittle
Is ours a world indeed
Where one must buy
What one has broken?
BABUSHKAS
At night
I find myself
Inside
Babushkas of my mind
At last my Self
Is tucked inside my scull
My body hugged by blankets
My bed is safe behind the door
My bedroom cannot leave the house
So locked and outside-proof
My house’s secured inside my street
Which can but stay within my town
A fragment of my land
Itself a parcel of a continent
So firmly rooted in the Earth
And here I am
Sleeping like a trusting child
In so many babushkas
Easily escaping
All of them
To reach the outer space of dreams
THE SHARK IN MY AQUARIUM
Every minor fight you win
Silencing me by injustice
Brings you closer to your final fall
Since you’re obviously trying
To destroy your dearest
Is dearest meaningful at all?
Love and hate may well be one
In your world of basic instincts
And your sole unconscious wish
To come first to the finish of loss
You make me want to stand
Over your open grave
And wander
How many people actually mourn
And how many, like myself
Would be secretly relieved
If those who’d ground them endlessly
Ended dust at last
Worst of nightmares carried through:
The shark in my aquarium
Nowhere can I hide from you
No safe haven any longer
Die I must or grow stronger
To what extent I fear you now
Can only be compared to trust
I used to put in your I-love-yous
Yet I can see the day
When all that will remain of you
Will be the oil stain
In my parking space
ENCOUNTER BY NO ACCIDENT
I saw you cross the street the other day
Unaware I was there
Spotting you while being spotted?
Who could say …
You were about to charm someone
So improbable at your side
By pushing back your hair with the familiar flair
That took me on a memory ride
And made me recognize you
Despite the faded foxy looks of grownup waif
That probably replaced your usual demonic aura
In but a flip of the manipulation coin
You used to be my only home
And now you’re hardly worth a poem
In memory of a crossroad of my youth
Who hasn’t asked themselves how they have changed
When seeing entropy embodied in a long lost friend?
A tic, a sneeze, a smell works like a click
To archives so hard to reactivate
Please, be sincere: how are you?
So I can template the phantom to the oracle
I’ve stopped to hear
No bad news to ever fear
All such encounters tell the same: time has direction
And past is under no protection
One only needs Proust’s Madeleine
We live a streak of accidents
Related by an inner logic
That we could only comprehend
If we sent the infinity of data
Colliding into moments
To processors with »God Inside«
LINE NO. ∞
I ride this train
Speeding madly
In sun and rain
Receding landscape
Badly undone
Clueless where the line had started
I climbed on at the station Birth
And then the train quickly departed
From Childhood, Youth, First Love
And many, many other stations
With my impatience for the Truth
Too grand for me to dare descend
And explore some more
And so I’ll ride
Until my ticket is expired
Or, too tired
Of seeking for the grail to no avail
I’ll bring myself to jump on the track
Roll down a hill
Stop on my back
And finally let everything
Come to a still
With sparks of light imprinted on my eyelids
Perfume of grass exploding in my brain
I’ll loom over next train to pass
Pesmi so iz knjige 33 Ounces of Something, ki je izšla pri Zavodu za kulturno iniciativo »Locutio« l. 2011
